Confessions after so long

There was a time when I felt sin free and then there is now.

It was also the first time I put my head on a friend’s shoulder, it was awkward, but it felt right. The memory feels very remote and near at the same time. 

A trip to the orphanage from school. Like a bunch of elitist babies, we were warned by teachers to take care of our belongings. I don’t remember the purpose of this visit. Did we do the ritual dance and song routine as our yearly Christmas act of kindness? Or did we pack up our old better-kept linen for the kids? More importantly, did we interact with them at all? 

I remember watching them from outside the gate, the bars of which were clutched tightly by tiny hands with curious eyes from inside. We didn’t understand why those gates never opened. From a distance, my friend and I shared our neatly packed tiffins from home, as these kids watched on. I remember feeling aloof and apathetic. I remember not being interested in talking to them, even with the grilled gate in between us. I remember acting baffled at their advances to talk in Malayalam. I remember running, falling and hurting my knee a few feet farther from the gate. I remember the curiosity in their eyes turning into worry and anxiety as I fell. I remember getting up flushed - not with the pain of the fall, but with the shame on my indifference. 

On the ride back on bus no. 8 and 18 years hence, I have considered that my first sin in discretion. 

The one where a simple sorry could not find its way to my lips.